If you type “define:vice president” into Google you get this:

Some scumbag whom nobody cares about.

Hahaha. I think what made me laugh is actually the word “whom.” There is something funny to me about someone who uses scumbag but then cares enough to use the word “whom” correctly. A+!

When you leave your house, please ask yourself this question. It will help you make important decisions:

Am I wearing enough clothes?

On Friday night I saw a girl wearing nothing but a t-shirt which barely covered the parts that should be covered. I am not like a puritan or amish or anything, but there are certain things that should be covered for sanitary purposes. It is more like a public health than a fashion thing. It wasn’t like a dress that was really small. It was seriously a shirt. Like an American Apparel shirt. I have one, in fact. I wear it with a little something called pants. She was a very tall and pretty girl with alien arms, perhaps a model of some kind, but she was not wearing enough clothes. She was just wearing really high heels and a shirt. I mean if I looked like her, I would totally work it too, but like, with pants on. No, she was not wearing a bikini and had come back from the beach. It was as if she forgot her pants. Like she woke up put on a shirt and said, OK! Let’s go! She was very tragic. I do not mean to be catty, but guess what? I am being catty. Rowr. Listen, pants, skirts, hot shorts, they are all good things that will allow you to work it. Please do not be afraid of them. They are there just for you. For you! Pants love you.

In college there was the Naked Guy who went to school totally, completely naked, which is redundant but I cannot explain to you how really truly utterly naked this guy was. He did carry a backpack though. I so did not want to be in his seat. It can get kind of hot, you know what I mean. The junk gets a little sticky. Just saying. It didn’t get that cold in Berkeley, but maybe he didn’t go to class on those days. I don’t remember. Anyway he tried to fight the school who was trying impose their rules, like dude, just wear some clothes, any clothes! I even think they were willing to forego shoes. But he refused and was eventually thrown out, I think. Don’t remember exactly. I do remember at one point he was arrested for standing on a roof, naked, and throwing stuff at police officers. Anyway what I’m saying here is that the Naked Guy also could’ve used some pants. But he didn’t believe in them. The model girl probably believes in pants but doesn’t feel the need to wear them. Is it two sides of the same coin? Probably not, but I happen to like pants. Also it is a funny word. Pants.

I have a headache.
I have a wicked headache.
Not wicked as in cool,
but wicked as in bad.
And not bad as in good,
But bad as in bad.
Not bad as in Michael Jackson,
But bad as in Michael Jackson.
You get me?
This is the part where I curl up under my desk with my binky and not answer my phone. And then ultimately my coworkers will find me under my desk and I have to pretend I am fiddling with cables or something. Oh hey, I have another USB slot here, etc.

I have just trapped a spider underneath a glass because I did not have the cojones (ballz) or the cajones (drawerz) to kill it. I’m not sure what to do with it. I am considering my options. It is not a large spider, but it is not a small spider. For example, I see that there’s a little blue spot on the spider. Interesting, very curious. No doubt it is poisonous and will kill me and small children and puppies. However, it is not hairy, which is a plus. But now it is under a glass. I am looking at it. Hello, spider, I’m sorry. Also, you have many legs.

This is a very similar situation to the cockroach I found in the bathtub a month ago. I put a piece of Tupperware over it and also considered my options. My options consisted of calling up various friends to “take care of the situation.” Eventually it was JoMo who “took care of it.” He said it was dead already but I assured him it was very, very alive when I trapped it under the Tupperware. So I guess Tupperware does not really keep things fresh. Something to consider when you are in the market for Tupperware. Anyway this spider is very much in an alive state of being, and I am once again, considering my options.

I just got back from the doctor for an annual exam. Everything is fine blah blah blah, but I have pretty low blood pressure. A doctor once asked me if I was “prone to passing out” and I was like “only after I drink a lot” and he did not think it was funny but you know doctors take their jobs seriously, which is probably a good thing. But come on, I’m wearing a paper nightgown, give me a little something here. I think I’d like to have a very funny doctor, it would kind of soften the blow when they go exploring if you know what I’m talking about. Anyway I’m totally off track here. I have low blood pressure. So my doctor says to eat “salty stuff” which is what I’m doing right now. I am eating a mountainous omelet full of cheese and cholesterol and salt. Then topped off with more cheese and cholesterol and salt. If I could, I would deep fry this whole thing in hydrogenated oils and then stuff it inside a buttered Big Mac and then deep fry that. Then I’d blend that shit, stick it in an IV bag and send it straight to my heart as I sit and watch TV and play video games, and I don’t mean Wii because that requires moving and certainly not Dance, Dance Revolution because that would go against my diet. But it doesn’t matter because I don’t have a deep fryer or a TV, so you see why this is all very difficult for me. So then my doctor said, “when you stand, don’t just stand.” And I was a little confused, like when you stand, you stand. It’s not like you can not stand when you are standing. That is why they call it standing and not like sitting or squatting or whatever. “You know, shift your weight around. Then you won’t pass out.” Hahaha I was like dude, I have never ever ever passed out from standing. She made it seem as if I had like no pulse at all. Like seriously, I swear, I am really, really good at standing. Like, I could teach standing professionally at Learning Tree or wherever.

Actually I adore my doctor, if anyone needs one, let me know. She really is awesome and on top of her game. But you know a little advice, when you stand, don’t just stand.

I have to say that when I was little the Cookie Monster freaked me out, not because he was a monster, but because he made such a mess and all I could think was, oh no, who will clean it all up? This is what happens when you have my mom, by the way. You think you are like the dirtiest thing on the planet and then you grow up and you realize holy shit everyone is a Cookie Monster, I do not feel so bad, and also, what the fuck is wrong with you? Put the laundry IN the laundry bag, not next to it! OMG. Also, like, use a plate!!!!

On Friday night I had drinks with a big group (read: architects) to honor Troy who was leaving OMA and heading off to teach at Rice. I think eight or nine offices were represented. At some point Troy tried to count but he was too wasted and got confused and then someone handed him a beer and he was not confused anymore. That is a good tactic. If someone is confused at work, hand him or her a beer. Suddenly, everything is clear. I’m telling you, it’s magic. Anyway that’s totally beside the point. We were drinking and dining al fresco, which is a fancy way of saying “eat and drink outside and watch Annie get eaten alive by mosquitoes.” Note that no one else got bit. I have no idea how this works, but I got something like eleven bites all over my legs.

So here is something interesting: mosquitoes feed mostly on nectar, but females are the ones that bite and feed on blood because they need the extra protein and iron to lay eggs. What I’m trying to say here is that the bitches are the ones causing problems and getting out of pocket. Also what I’m trying to say here is that the bitches love me. I need pants made out of Calamine lotion.

Aura started a Facebook page for ME, that’s Annie Choi if you’re not paying attention. If you are on Facebook, click here to take a look and join. I am my own greatest fan. I’m glad I’m the greatest at something.

Check out the discussion section: “Do you love Annie Choi more than puppies?” The answer better be yes, natch! If not, you can suck it.

Also, my computer is sick. Just a little advice, do not feed computers tomatoes and raw pork.

Also, I just learned that wombats have a backward-facing pouch. I have to say that is like the coolest thing ever but also awkward. So the baby wombat looks like it’s coming out of the poop chute. But it doesn’t matter because look how DANGEROUSLY STUNNINGLY CUTE THIS IS. I am sad I do not have one to snuggle and spoon and cherish. I mean I love my stuffed wombat but it doesn’t have a fucking POUCH. Marsupials are the best. .

But then there’s this guy. Hello, new friend.

Anyway, yeah, pouches. Go!

Nathan saved Annietown from looking like Anniecrap! ——-> Sidebar is back, huzzah. Thanks Nathan, one day I will make it up to you, but I am not sure how.

Speaking of Annietown, I remember when I was trying to find a domain for the bloggorrhea I went through a dozen names including, Annieland (which was taken), Annieville, Annieland, Annienation, Annieopolis, Anniepants (which seemed too porno at the time even though that is my nickname), Anniecity, and some other stuff. Basically I wanted Annie plus some sort of locale though I am not quite sure why. Oh I also thought of RepublicofAnnie but that made me sound like some kind of commie, which my brother calls me anyway. It is kind of funny to call someone a commie, no one does it anymore. Maybe I will bring it back. When I was in college everyone was calling each other fascist. For, like, doing nothing. Pass me the soy milk, you freedom-hating fascist, etc. Kind of funny. Maybe.

My friend Anh just sent me this link. It made me laugh and then made me throw up, just a little, in my mouth.

Also, I have a headache. This may or may not be related to America’s birthday festivities last night. It may or may not be related to wine. It may or may not be related to the wine I had after the wine. Without further scientific study, I cannot be sure. I am reaching out to the science and medical communities to help me determine the cause of my headache, sleepiness, slight nausea, and the cashmere sweater that my tongue is currently wearing. I suppose I should reach out to the fashion industry too, for that last part. It’s really too hot for cashmere.

Speaking of the fashion industry, the new Phillip Lim 3.1 store in L.A. opened and it was designed by my good pal Dominic Leong over at Para. Check it out here. It’s as crazy as Dominic is. I want to go and squish all the acoustic foam. Like if you are stressed and live in Los Angeles, go over to the Phillip Lim store and squeeze the crap out of the walls. I think one of the rooms has walls covered with cow hair, so pet the crap out of that too. These cows may or may not be related to the meat hats above. Dominic worked his ass off so I’m proud of him. It’s his first built project. Kudos Dominic, now go and get me some sweet, sweet Phillip Lim threads. Also, I have your mail. If you give me sweet, sweet Phillip Lim threads I will give you your credit card bill which I know you want really badly. Also it looks like you might have already won 2 million dollars, that is exciting.